Monday, 25 November 2013

It's not in your head

These 5 words I've waited over 10 years to hear. I already knew them, I just needed it confirmed.

Today was that day.

I asked the question and was given the answer I simultaneously wanted but didn't want to hear. That photo above is the actual message I received. I have taken a screen shot that I may even print out as a reminder that

A: Always trust your instincts.

B: Don't let anybody ever do it to you again

You see years ago I met a guy. We seemed to hit it off straight away, however he was wanting only one thing and I was wanting more. So we parted ways.

A few months down the track he came knocking on my door late at night, slightly drunk. I didn't turn him away because I didn't want him back behind the wheel and so he stayed the night. Sure enough old habits kicked in and we were back to where we were months earlier.

Jump forward a year or so and we are still in that place only I had fallen hard for him. We would see each other twice a week. I'd sometimes cook dinner and he'd stay the night. I tried to turn off my feelings for him but I just couldn't. Somewhere in amongst it all we started to genuinely get close. He had his knee done, so I played nurse a little for him. He then had to move from his house so I went over to help him lift heavy stuff into his car. It then moved fast, we got together officially and he moved in.

Like all couples we had our ups and downs but we usually got past the downs pretty fast. the problem was in the back of my mind I had a niggling feeling. For some reason I could never fully trust him. I can't remember the exact moment I started to question him but I know it grew over time. I became that person that checked his phone. I even found messages from other girls but never said anything because I felt guilty that I was snooping. I was also made to feel guilty because I didn't trust him. Why didn't I call him on it? Because losing him would hurt more than the cheating.

One night he went out with a mate and left his phone at home. I don't know if it was deliberate so I couldn't contact him or whether it was an accident but either way I took the opportunity to read the messages. Sure enough there was a message from a girl that came thru after he left, so he hadn't responded. I considered answering it and asking who she was but once again didn't. Another night he was in bed asleep and his phone buzzed, so I checked it in case it was something important. Once again it was a girl, she was explaining that she couldn't see him Wednesday night because she had swimming so maybe they could catch up another time. I went back to bed and didn't sleep much that night. These sorts of things went on for the rest of our "relationship". The ultimate was him going away on holiday with his mate, yes I know that in itself was an alarm bell. He arrived back after 2 weeks away, late because he had supposedly had a flat tyre at the airport. He walked thru the door and there was something about the look on his face that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Again I said nothing as he seemed genuinely happy to see me.

Fast forward a little bit and it was time for all the Xmas breakups. Being a tradie he had a few to go to over the week or so, so I was the dutiful girlfriend that dropped him off and picked him up. After 1 particular party we were driving home, he was extremely drunk but still awake. We were just chatting about nothing in particular and his phone went off. Being it was so late I asked who it was, of course he said it was one of the guys from the party. I took his word and we drove home where he fell into bed and that was it. The following day we were out somewhere and he went in to pay for petrol, I remembered about his phone from the night before and decided to check it. Yep sure enough, he had been calling a chick in the late hours before I had picked him up. I finally called him on it and he said they, yes "they" had called him. Which then led to a whole 'Well who are they?". Turns out it was girls he had met on that holiday but they were "just friends".

The more I write this the more I am now hating myself as I realise that whilst he was doing the wrong thing, I was the stupid idiot allowing it.

Eventually we broke up and he moved on very fast. I was gutted for a long time and put all the blame on myself. We were friends for a little while after that, but then things went badly and all ties were cut. I was left with unanswered questions and an extremely low self esteem.

I met a girl thru work a little while after this and sure enough she knew him, it was never discussed how well she knew him because I didn't want to hear and I think maybe she realised that she had been with a guy that was not single.

So basically yes I knew he had done the dirty but I was in denial for years afterwards and never quite got over him or the situation.

Fast forward a few years and I accidently stumbled across him on good old Facebook. I couldn't decide whether to message him or not, of course I did though. We caught up in real life and have been friends ever since.

Anybody that knows me, knows I like honesty. Whether that be me being brutally honest and possibly over the line to wanting the other person to be honest with me. So in saying that, we were chatting via iMessage earlier when we had managed to steer the conversation around to some pretty personal and heavy stuff. I took this opportunity to ask him if I could ask him the 2 questions I'd wanted to for many years and if I asked would he be honest with me? He agreed to answer and be honest. I stewed over which question to ask first and decided it was going to be why do you cheat? It was the easier question of the 2. I must have typed it 6 times and deleted instead of sending it. It was very confronting just seeing it written there. Eventually I just typed and sent it without stopping. I hadn't actually asked in relation to me, I just ask in general. He answered and I followed with another question that basically confirmed he'd done it to me to which I responded something about it not just being in my head? And that's where the above iMessage appeared.

There it was confirmed, "it's not in your head". I stared at my iPad and the tears started streaming. Why had something that deep down I'd always known, hurt me after all these years? I don't know. My reaction surprised myself as I would normally be the type to throw the closest item or scream but instead I just sat down and cried. I cried most of the night. I'm crying now as I write this. I may well cry tomorrow. But I have an answer finally. Will we continue on to be friends? I hope so. Will I forgive him? Never. Can I move on? Eventually. But for now I will cry and I will push the thoughts out of my head and try not to totally blame myself.

I do have the second question to ask, the one I thought would be the harder to ask but for now I don't need or want anymore truths revealed in the near future......


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