Tuesday, 22 October 2013

The less they speak, the more they say

Do you know somebody so well that when they don't say something you still know what's going on? Past experience leads your gut to believe that what happened back then is happening again. In my personal experience this is how it works with certain people.

Silence = They know I know, but they don't want to acknowledge that.

Answering only certain questions = avoiding the ones that will get them into trouble

Disappearing = Up to old tricks again

If somebody is going thru something fairly major does that still give them the right to lie to you? Especially when it doesn't effect their situation but certainly does yours? In saying that, do I have the right to call them out on it when I know what they're going thru?

I've known this person a long time, I've seen them in different stages of their life and this stage is technically the lowest they have ever been. I know only too well how they feel as I have been in a similar situation. However I'm finding it hard to believe just how low they really are. On one hand I have huge sympathy for them and have reached out numerous times but on the other hand I know I am being kept just off to the side in case other "opportunities" or "situations" don't work out. Or worse still, I will just be ignored til I give up trying.

The friend in me says stick around because if they do hit rock bottom, I want to be there for them. The realist in me says step away as you know how this will end, again!

Being in different states or country means mainly conversing via iMessage and Skype. So sometimes it's hard to know what is actually going on but I've learned to trust my gut, especially with certain people. I honestly think they are using their situation to manipulate myself and others but I can't say anything. This person isn't a mean person , however they have trouble telling the truth if it means them missing out or being caught out.

One side of me is saying step away before you're kicked to the curb (again) but the other side is superglued to this person and just can't let go. Sometimes I would probably bounce my problems off this person but this time I can't. Not being able to discuss this with anybody has been challenging and not being able to switch off my brain has made for little sleep. Which in turn has then had me reaching out to this person but then it starts the whole cycle again.

I've always said never assume things but if somebody is only giving you half the information then do you try and read between the lines and possibly assume things or do you let it be and hope they eventually fill in the gaps? Plus if you're being fed information from elsewhere, do you believe that or do you once again "assume" that that person has it wrong and try to ignore this so called info?

I've become a master at blocking out certain things, ask me about my childhood and there isn't much to tell cause I simply don't remember it. Ask me about certain conversations I've had with this person over the past 15 years and I can almost repeat them verbatim. This is a double edged sword as I'm able to remember things when needed, the downside being I can remember things when I wish I couldn't. Thus making the lies easy to spot. Do I point them out? No. It's a lot harder to point these out when not standing in the same room and you're relying on that iMessage to read as sarcasm but more than likely will be missed. I hate that I sometimes speak before I think, but in saying that it's always the truth I'm saying. I'd rather be told the truth than bullshitted to. Nobody deserves to be messed around, no matter what the circumstances. In this day and age with technology etc. it is so much easier to find out things, whether searching for it or stumbling across it. With social media the world has become a very small place, how many of us are now linked by that one "mutual friend" on FB?

I am now questioning what actually is a friend? When you know somebody pretty well and have known them a long time,to have them make you feel like you have done something wrong by just trying to be there for them hurts. Yes they may need their space but somewhere along the way they will need their friends again. If you didn't make that cut as a friend, then who did? This now has me thinking, were we ever friends? It's extremely hard to turn off feelings, so you try and bury them but it doesn't take much to have them back just simmering under the surface and to get hurt again.

So on this late night/early morning my dilemma continues and tomorrow/later today will be another day of my mind working in overdrive wondering if this will be the day I can break the cycle and break thru to this person.

Or will it be another day of one sided conversations.


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