It's not in your head

These 5 words I've waited over 10 years to hear. I already knew them, I just needed it confirmed.

Today was that day.

I asked the question and was given the answer I simultaneously wanted but didn't want to hear. That photo above is the actual message I received. I have taken a screen shot that I may even print out as a reminder that

A: Always trust your instincts.

B: Don't let anybody ever do it to you again

You see years ago I met a guy. We seemed to hit it off straight away, however he was wanting only one thing and I was wanting more. So we parted ways.

A few months down the track he came knocking on my door late at night, slightly drunk. I didn't turn him away because I didn't want him back behind the wheel and so he stayed the night. Sure enough old habits kicked in and we were back to where we were months earlier.

Jump forward a year or so and we are still in that place only I had fallen hard for him. We would see each other twice a week. I'd sometimes cook dinner and he'd stay the night. I tried to turn off my feelings for him but I just couldn't. Somewhere in amongst it all we started to genuinely get close. He had his knee done, so I played nurse a little for him. He then had to move from his house so I went over to help him lift heavy stuff into his car. It then moved fast, we got together officially and he moved in.

Like all couples we had our ups and downs but we usually got past the downs pretty fast. the problem was in the back of my mind I had a niggling feeling. For some reason I could never fully trust him. I can't remember the exact moment I started to question him but I know it grew over time. I became that person that checked his phone. I even found messages from other girls but never said anything because I felt guilty that I was snooping. I was also made to feel guilty because I didn't trust him. Why didn't I call him on it? Because losing him would hurt more than the cheating.

One night he went out with a mate and left his phone at home. I don't know if it was deliberate so I couldn't contact him or whether it was an accident but either way I took the opportunity to read the messages. Sure enough there was a message from a girl that came thru after he left, so he hadn't responded. I considered answering it and asking who she was but once again didn't. Another night he was in bed asleep and his phone buzzed, so I checked it in case it was something important. Once again it was a girl, she was explaining that she couldn't see him Wednesday night because she had swimming so maybe they could catch up another time. I went back to bed and didn't sleep much that night. These sorts of things went on for the rest of our "relationship". The ultimate was him going away on holiday with his mate, yes I know that in itself was an alarm bell. He arrived back after 2 weeks away, late because he had supposedly had a flat tyre at the airport. He walked thru the door and there was something about the look on his face that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Again I said nothing as he seemed genuinely happy to see me.

Fast forward a little bit and it was time for all the Xmas breakups. Being a tradie he had a few to go to over the week or so, so I was the dutiful girlfriend that dropped him off and picked him up. After 1 particular party we were driving home, he was extremely drunk but still awake. We were just chatting about nothing in particular and his phone went off. Being it was so late I asked who it was, of course he said it was one of the guys from the party. I took his word and we drove home where he fell into bed and that was it. The following day we were out somewhere and he went in to pay for petrol, I remembered about his phone from the night before and decided to check it. Yep sure enough, he had been calling a chick in the late hours before I had picked him up. I finally called him on it and he said they, yes "they" had called him. Which then led to a whole 'Well who are they?". Turns out it was girls he had met on that holiday but they were "just friends".

The more I write this the more I am now hating myself as I realise that whilst he was doing the wrong thing, I was the stupid idiot allowing it.

Eventually we broke up and he moved on very fast. I was gutted for a long time and put all the blame on myself. We were friends for a little while after that, but then things went badly and all ties were cut. I was left with unanswered questions and an extremely low self esteem.

I met a girl thru work a little while after this and sure enough she knew him, it was never discussed how well she knew him because I didn't want to hear and I think maybe she realised that she had been with a guy that was not single.

So basically yes I knew he had done the dirty but I was in denial for years afterwards and never quite got over him or the situation.

Fast forward a few years and I accidently stumbled across him on good old Facebook. I couldn't decide whether to message him or not, of course I did though. We caught up in real life and have been friends ever since.

Anybody that knows me, knows I like honesty. Whether that be me being brutally honest and possibly over the line to wanting the other person to be honest with me. So in saying that, we were chatting via iMessage earlier when we had managed to steer the conversation around to some pretty personal and heavy stuff. I took this opportunity to ask him if I could ask him the 2 questions I'd wanted to for many years and if I asked would he be honest with me? He agreed to answer and be honest. I stewed over which question to ask first and decided it was going to be why do you cheat? It was the easier question of the 2. I must have typed it 6 times and deleted instead of sending it. It was very confronting just seeing it written there. Eventually I just typed and sent it without stopping. I hadn't actually asked in relation to me, I just ask in general. He answered and I followed with another question that basically confirmed he'd done it to me to which I responded something about it not just being in my head? And that's where the above iMessage appeared.

There it was confirmed, "it's not in your head". I stared at my iPad and the tears started streaming. Why had something that deep down I'd always known, hurt me after all these years? I don't know. My reaction surprised myself as I would normally be the type to throw the closest item or scream but instead I just sat down and cried. I cried most of the night. I'm crying now as I write this. I may well cry tomorrow. But I have an answer finally. Will we continue on to be friends? I hope so. Will I forgive him? Never. Can I move on? Eventually. But for now I will cry and I will push the thoughts out of my head and try not to totally blame myself.

I do have the second question to ask, the one I thought would be the harder to ask but for now I don't need or want anymore truths revealed in the near future......

 

Try to Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

As most will know I am definitely not able to take credit for these words. They are however written by Coldplay and the song is titled "Try to fix you".

People get different things from different songs. I for one get a headache listening to Justin Beiber, whereas millions of others would strongly disagree. However the first four lines of this amazing song ring extremely true to me. I love this song to bits but when I hear it, I relate it to one situation that honestly should have me hating this song. That first verse is a painful reminder that is still a part of my life as it has never been completely closed. It is still a small part of my life but really shouldn't be.

Have you ever had what you thought was the perfect situation but it's all gone wrong and whilst you should turn around and walk away, you haven't? To love and hate something at the same time is a complete and utter mind fuck (sorry for swearing but it's the only way to describe it). You want to hate it and walk away but it manages to tempt you back.

"When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth"

This part has me thinking, if it doesn't work out mainly to the other person's actions does that mean you're worth nothing? Yes people would say it's the other person that is worth nothing not you. My question is why did they do it? Did they think that lowly of you that you didn't matter to begin with?

My iPad being on shuffle went from Coldplay to P!nk's "So What". It's well known this was written about her estranged husband at the time, he even appears in the film clip. However when it was written, she was clearly pissed off with him. This is my ultimate favourite song of hers and hits the top of the iTunes list as most played. First reason being IT'S P!NK!! Second reason being I also relate to this song. Yes secretly I'm a rockstar and I've got my rock moves but more so the section that she sings this

And I don't need you,

And guess what,

I'm having more fun,

And now that we’re done,

I'm gonna show you tonight,

I'm alright,

I'm just fine,

And you're a tool,

So, so what,

I am a rock star,

I got my rock moves,

And I don't want you tonight.

"You're a tool" is sung with gusto to the point that when performed live she raises a middle finger in the air at him. Oh how I used to want the opportunity to sing this and raise my finger in the air whilst telling a certain somebody they're a tool. It is a small gesture but it would feel great.

You weren't there,

You never were,

You want it all,

But that's not fair,

I gave you life,

I gave my all,

You weren't there,

You let me fall.

Looking back on things this part of the song sums everything up about the situation. Clearly sometimes you were obviously a means to an end and it became a situation that was more of convenience than anything else.

I was chatting with a good friend the other night about this and many of lifes other ups and downs. More than once he has asked me to move to California to "start a fresh" but somehow I don't think distance will make a difference. Your thoughts go where you go and I myself have never been able to turn them off. He also suggested Yoga but that's another story!

Today's blog was intended to be a release of some sort, they say if you write things down it helps. I didn't quite go where I wanted to go, out of fear of releasing too much thus then having to explain things or be judged. I have enough people in my life judging etc that I don't respond to, I'm not sure I'm ready for the internet to also judge. I honestly can see why so many American's have therapists. Sometimes you just want to have a chat about things in a secure enviroment without the fear of being judged or worse that it will get repeated elsewhere. This post has kind of no exact point but has a theme I guess. Maybe I should have called it Dear Diary? I hadn't written here for quite sometime, mainly due to lack of inspiration but also not wanting to share things.

Which brings me to my final song. Adele's "Someone like you". Do you really think she wishes nothing but the best for him? And why would she want to find someone like him, when it didn't work out in the first place? Yes I am a thinker, with possibly too much time on my hands but come on........

 

Internet, Denial and Snooping......

For those of you old enough to remember it, what was life like before the Internet? Now I'm not talking downloading music, movies and watching Porn for free. I'm talking about when you broke up with somebody and had to do drive bys of their house, so as you could come up with your own conclusions as to what they are doing now. Do people still do that? Or do they stalk the persons Facebook, Twitter etc to see where they may be and who they are with?

 

Sometimes not knowing things is better than knowing the truth. Or sometimes, knowing something but then actually seeing it for real (via Fb) can be a reality check harder than the one Lindsay Lohan gets after a stint in rehab/Jail.

 

Denial is a place I have always been happy to live in, at the end of the day I know that it actually happened but I'm a great person at just pretending it didn't. Move on, look strong. Unfortunately, I get the occasional urge to look somebody up on Fb (we've all done it). With all the changes lately to Fb, a lot of people don't realise that their pages are now completely open and that you can see everything. I love looking at photo's. Whether they are of people I know or not. I am a people watcher. No, not in a creepy way either! I like to observe people and see how although we are all humans, we all live different lives. This in turn has me looking up an ex (or 2), I am always interested to see who they ended up with and whether they had kids etc. If you still have friends in common then more than likely you know this stuff anyway. If one or both of you moved away, then it was a lot easier to lose track and not be in touch. Sometimes that is for the best, I mean you broke up for a reason. Other times, you broke up for no particular reasons, but it ended in a way that although you both moved on, it never actually quite closed that chapter. You stay in touch on and off over the years, but now with email, Fb, Twitter etc it is made so much easier to find people as well as keep in touch with them.

 

Which brings me back to the old thing that ignorance is bliss. Whilst you are friendly with this person, there are still certain things you don't discuss because as stated earlier you like to live in denial. So by not asking certain questions you can easily ignore the truth as it isn't quite a reality. That is until you happen across their Fb page and see the certain things that you kind of knew, but are now faced with acknowledging. It is very hard to just close the page and not look further. Temptation has always been a challenge for me. To the point where Xmas presents were disguised when wrapped so as I didn't try and work out what they were weeks before being able to open them. When it comes to big things, I have self control. I mean if I know it's illegal or something that will harm somebody then I have no problem saying no. Looking at somebody's photos etc on Fb that I'm not friends with, comes some where in the middle. Whilst it is not illegal, it does hurt somebody, that person being me. To hear something is hard, to see it in all it's glory in lots of photos, OUCH!! Yet, I still couldn't bring myself to close the page. I wanted to see more, glutton for punishment or just plain stupid? (no need to answer)

 

I love my Internet, I mean how a girl kept track of her future husband on the other side of the world in the days before Internet is beyond me. But sometimes, I realise that life was SO MUCH SIMPLER before Internet, or even text messages. Coming home after work to a message on your answering machine from the guy you were seeing was always a nice surprise. These days, we are in constant contact that we have come to expect them to always be in touch. Do we know too much or even share too much? If you wrote somebody a letter with all the things you post on FB, Twitter and Instagram do you really think they would care that you just had a slow drive to work or that you liked a strangers photos of food on Instagram? In a nutshell, you may well come across as some sort of nutter. Where as because there is now a platform where it is sociably acceptable to write all this, we do it! We not only do it, but we read others also.

 

There was no real point to this blog, which is why it has gone off on a tangent or two. Writing a blog about how much we share on the Internet has not lost it's irony on me either. This was more so a diary entry that I needed to get out but not actually discuss with anybody (see previous comment about denial) It's funny how writing something down for strangers to read, is easier than telling an actual family member or friend. I am the queen though, of writing just enough to show how I feel or what I'm thinking without giving the actual story away. I may write on a public forum, but I still like my privacy. There may well be a sequel to this blog, but for now, it is what it is. An observation with a few personal experiences thrown in......