Life

It's funny how you can be just making your way thru the day/week, just life in general and then something comes out of left field and throws you for a six.

It makes you think, maybe even question some things. And whilst you know you will get thru it, past it, over it......

You may never be quite the same again........

It's not in your head

These 5 words I've waited over 10 years to hear. I already knew them, I just needed it confirmed.

Today was that day.

I asked the question and was given the answer I simultaneously wanted but didn't want to hear. That photo above is the actual message I received. I have taken a screen shot that I may even print out as a reminder that

A: Always trust your instincts.

B: Don't let anybody ever do it to you again

You see years ago I met a guy. We seemed to hit it off straight away, however he was wanting only one thing and I was wanting more. So we parted ways.

A few months down the track he came knocking on my door late at night, slightly drunk. I didn't turn him away because I didn't want him back behind the wheel and so he stayed the night. Sure enough old habits kicked in and we were back to where we were months earlier.

Jump forward a year or so and we are still in that place only I had fallen hard for him. We would see each other twice a week. I'd sometimes cook dinner and he'd stay the night. I tried to turn off my feelings for him but I just couldn't. Somewhere in amongst it all we started to genuinely get close. He had his knee done, so I played nurse a little for him. He then had to move from his house so I went over to help him lift heavy stuff into his car. It then moved fast, we got together officially and he moved in.

Like all couples we had our ups and downs but we usually got past the downs pretty fast. the problem was in the back of my mind I had a niggling feeling. For some reason I could never fully trust him. I can't remember the exact moment I started to question him but I know it grew over time. I became that person that checked his phone. I even found messages from other girls but never said anything because I felt guilty that I was snooping. I was also made to feel guilty because I didn't trust him. Why didn't I call him on it? Because losing him would hurt more than the cheating.

One night he went out with a mate and left his phone at home. I don't know if it was deliberate so I couldn't contact him or whether it was an accident but either way I took the opportunity to read the messages. Sure enough there was a message from a girl that came thru after he left, so he hadn't responded. I considered answering it and asking who she was but once again didn't. Another night he was in bed asleep and his phone buzzed, so I checked it in case it was something important. Once again it was a girl, she was explaining that she couldn't see him Wednesday night because she had swimming so maybe they could catch up another time. I went back to bed and didn't sleep much that night. These sorts of things went on for the rest of our "relationship". The ultimate was him going away on holiday with his mate, yes I know that in itself was an alarm bell. He arrived back after 2 weeks away, late because he had supposedly had a flat tyre at the airport. He walked thru the door and there was something about the look on his face that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Again I said nothing as he seemed genuinely happy to see me.

Fast forward a little bit and it was time for all the Xmas breakups. Being a tradie he had a few to go to over the week or so, so I was the dutiful girlfriend that dropped him off and picked him up. After 1 particular party we were driving home, he was extremely drunk but still awake. We were just chatting about nothing in particular and his phone went off. Being it was so late I asked who it was, of course he said it was one of the guys from the party. I took his word and we drove home where he fell into bed and that was it. The following day we were out somewhere and he went in to pay for petrol, I remembered about his phone from the night before and decided to check it. Yep sure enough, he had been calling a chick in the late hours before I had picked him up. I finally called him on it and he said they, yes "they" had called him. Which then led to a whole 'Well who are they?". Turns out it was girls he had met on that holiday but they were "just friends".

The more I write this the more I am now hating myself as I realise that whilst he was doing the wrong thing, I was the stupid idiot allowing it.

Eventually we broke up and he moved on very fast. I was gutted for a long time and put all the blame on myself. We were friends for a little while after that, but then things went badly and all ties were cut. I was left with unanswered questions and an extremely low self esteem.

I met a girl thru work a little while after this and sure enough she knew him, it was never discussed how well she knew him because I didn't want to hear and I think maybe she realised that she had been with a guy that was not single.

So basically yes I knew he had done the dirty but I was in denial for years afterwards and never quite got over him or the situation.

Fast forward a few years and I accidently stumbled across him on good old Facebook. I couldn't decide whether to message him or not, of course I did though. We caught up in real life and have been friends ever since.

Anybody that knows me, knows I like honesty. Whether that be me being brutally honest and possibly over the line to wanting the other person to be honest with me. So in saying that, we were chatting via iMessage earlier when we had managed to steer the conversation around to some pretty personal and heavy stuff. I took this opportunity to ask him if I could ask him the 2 questions I'd wanted to for many years and if I asked would he be honest with me? He agreed to answer and be honest. I stewed over which question to ask first and decided it was going to be why do you cheat? It was the easier question of the 2. I must have typed it 6 times and deleted instead of sending it. It was very confronting just seeing it written there. Eventually I just typed and sent it without stopping. I hadn't actually asked in relation to me, I just ask in general. He answered and I followed with another question that basically confirmed he'd done it to me to which I responded something about it not just being in my head? And that's where the above iMessage appeared.

There it was confirmed, "it's not in your head". I stared at my iPad and the tears started streaming. Why had something that deep down I'd always known, hurt me after all these years? I don't know. My reaction surprised myself as I would normally be the type to throw the closest item or scream but instead I just sat down and cried. I cried most of the night. I'm crying now as I write this. I may well cry tomorrow. But I have an answer finally. Will we continue on to be friends? I hope so. Will I forgive him? Never. Can I move on? Eventually. But for now I will cry and I will push the thoughts out of my head and try not to totally blame myself.

I do have the second question to ask, the one I thought would be the harder to ask but for now I don't need or want anymore truths revealed in the near future......

 

The right words.

Sometimes you can't find the right words, but fortunately somebody else has....

 

I could share hundreds of these, but these three spoke the most......

 

Bad habits and addictions.....

Is it too presumptuous to think that we all have a bad habit and or an addiction of our own?

I have 1 of each that come straight to my mind. My addiction is Lindt chocolate, whether it be With a touch of Sea Salt (it really is amazing) or even just a simple Lindt Ball. Both are delicious and totally addictive. In fact if somebody could possibly deliver some now, I'd really be grateful!!

My bad habit can possibly go under the heading of addiction also but saying it's a bad habit means maybe I can kick it a bit easier? (see previous blog about denial) My bad habit is holding onto the past. It's really only 1 particular piece of the past and for quite a bit of time, I managed to not think about it too often. The problem I had, was others reminded me of this bit of the "past". For some reason they felt I needed to know the latest information about the "past". This subsequently ended by me cutting off this link to the "past".

Life moved on, things were going pretty well, I decided to make a major life change. Funny how this one life change can effect another area of your life. Yes, the "past" somehow ended up back in my present. The "past" had made 2 major life changes, the first being the reason why it was now the "past" and the 2nd being why it was now back in the present.

They say old habits die hard, well that was not true in this case. It would seem this old habit didn't die at all, it was just hiding waiting for the right moment to reappear. I guess I had the choice to let it back in or refuse it. I chose the 1st because it felt familiar and easy and I had always had trouble saying no to it. People that know me, would know that I can be a hard arse. I have no problem saying no to most things, I even manage to say it to Manolo (my dog) a couple of times a day. (Although he gets yes a lot more than he should, but that is a whole other blog) So to be unable to say no and mean it in this particular situation, is quite confusing. I know what the outcome will be from saying it, I know I will not be happy about it yet I say yes. Maybe in that sense, it is an addiction, I love the rush I get from saying yes but the feeling afterwards is always a mighty big low. Which in turn has me reaching for the first addiction being Lindt! I know the"past" would have no problem if I said no, cause life would just carry on perfectly in the present. The "past" seems to think that it can still tell you what you want to hear and that you will believe it. The "past" also forgets how well you can read them. I choose to let a lot slip as I know it's not true and I choose to store the information for a rainy day. Well I just checked the weather forecast, time to batten down the hatches as a shit storm is coming! The "past" will need more than an umbrella and raincoat to beat this rain. I gave some advice to the "past" a few weeks ago, we were having a chat about one of the life changes the "past" had made. I got the feeling, this change was being second guessed. I now realise that it was portrayed that way to get a reaction from me. Which at the time, even though I second guess it, I gave that reaction. This was an example of me being told what I probably wanted to hear. Only this time the "past" had it right, I DID actually want to hear that. The problem is, although I wanted to hear it, as soon as I heard it, I knew it wasn't true. I had to refrain from calling out this lie, as I would of had to then explain how I knew the truth. Things would have got messy and would probably have then gone back to being a permanent "past" again. This may not have been a completely bad thing because if it was again a "past" then maybe I could go back to living in the present. But like all bad addictions, the thought of going clean is tempting but the thought of 1 more rush is more enticing. Maybe this time it will be the 1 that changes everything?

The "past" and I aren't friends on FB or Twitter or anything, but I have considered more than once to send a link to my FB page for this blog. I figure as soon as it was read, the past would know it was about them and would then have to decide how to deal with it. I also considered not emailing the link as the past would know it was about them and would then decide how to deal with it! I know what the outcome would be, because the past for them is easy to erase as if it doesn't exist.

They say the past always catches up with you, well my "past" has but maybe it's time the past caught up with the "past"?

Now where are we on that delivery of Lindt?............