An open letter to Ryan Gosling fans.

Ladies (and men) gather around for today is the day your heart was broken. I too had my heart broken recently and whilst it wasn't Gosling, it was by the man that had held the most eligible bachelor title for many years. His name is Clooney, George Clooney.

I awoke on a Sunday morning, April 27th to be exact at approx 6.30am and did what I normally do when first waking up, I reached for my phone and checked twitter. Clooney doesn't use social media yet my feed was filled with his name. My heart stopped for a second I thought something bad had happened, I then scrolled down and read some tweets. OMG the worst has happened! CLOONEY IS ENGAGED!!

For years he was rumoured to have been engaged to one girl or another while at the same time a quote he'd given years ago about never wanting to marry again would be brought up. To clarify that quote was given just months after his first divorce and I think most people would say the same after being recently divorced.

Now I love me some entertainment gossip and even the scandals but I'm not naive enough to believe it until there's some sort of confirmation. So this particular rumour wasn't about to become real in my mind until I'd delved a little further. Well this of course meant googling George Clooney. I opened google and I only had to type "Ge" and it auto filled the rest. Apparently I had googled him once or twice before. Anyway low and behold there was story after story of how it happened, where it happened etc etc etc. By now I had two choices, go to a town I like to call denial or deal with it. Surprisingly, I took the second option. I needed to know more about the lady that was wearing the ring I was supposed to have. The more I read about her, the more I loved Clooney. This man was not marrying a Hollywood hottie, that relied on her looks or would have ridden on his coat tails. This woman is smart, beautiful and by no means needs a celebrity husband to further her career. In fact this woman will make the perfect wife for when Clooney steps into the world of politics. Which I think will eventually happen.

Getting back to how all this relates to today's proceedings with Gosling, you have two ways to look at it. The first being, damn he's fathered a child with somebody else or what a man he is, he's never had the reputation of playing up or sleeping around. He's kept his private life pretty much that and even now is still keeping it to himself even though the cat's out of the bag. In Hollywood where a lot of actors would sell their firstborn just to get on the front page, this says a lot about him and also his partner Eva Mendes. Would you be more heartbroken if you found out he was a sneaky lying cheat that had been playing up for years on her? I know I'd rather keep the fantasy alive thinking Clooney was a good guy rather than a player like a lot of others supposedly are. And while this is no consolation to the fact that he is well and truly off the market, it is a small consolation to know that good guy you lust after is actually a good guy.

None of this will help the pain, anger and disappointment you're feeling right now but do know that each day it gets a bit easier and you will start to come to terms with it. If ever there was a time to turn off your google alerts about him, this would be it. Also maybe think about updating your celebrity pass card. There's bound to be some up and coming young man that will eventually fill the spot now vacated by Gosling.

If for now you're not quite ready to leave Mr Gosling behind, then grab a blanket, lots of chocolate and a drink of your choice and join me on the couch as we have the inaugural meeting of the women Clooney and Gosling left behind. Followed by a viewing of The Ides of March where we can all swoon over our men (by swoon, of course I mean sob).

 

Life

It's funny how you can be just making your way thru the day/week, just life in general and then something comes out of left field and throws you for a six.

It makes you think, maybe even question some things. And whilst you know you will get thru it, past it, over it......

You may never be quite the same again........

It's not in your head

These 5 words I've waited over 10 years to hear. I already knew them, I just needed it confirmed.

Today was that day.

I asked the question and was given the answer I simultaneously wanted but didn't want to hear. That photo above is the actual message I received. I have taken a screen shot that I may even print out as a reminder that

A: Always trust your instincts.

B: Don't let anybody ever do it to you again

You see years ago I met a guy. We seemed to hit it off straight away, however he was wanting only one thing and I was wanting more. So we parted ways.

A few months down the track he came knocking on my door late at night, slightly drunk. I didn't turn him away because I didn't want him back behind the wheel and so he stayed the night. Sure enough old habits kicked in and we were back to where we were months earlier.

Jump forward a year or so and we are still in that place only I had fallen hard for him. We would see each other twice a week. I'd sometimes cook dinner and he'd stay the night. I tried to turn off my feelings for him but I just couldn't. Somewhere in amongst it all we started to genuinely get close. He had his knee done, so I played nurse a little for him. He then had to move from his house so I went over to help him lift heavy stuff into his car. It then moved fast, we got together officially and he moved in.

Like all couples we had our ups and downs but we usually got past the downs pretty fast. the problem was in the back of my mind I had a niggling feeling. For some reason I could never fully trust him. I can't remember the exact moment I started to question him but I know it grew over time. I became that person that checked his phone. I even found messages from other girls but never said anything because I felt guilty that I was snooping. I was also made to feel guilty because I didn't trust him. Why didn't I call him on it? Because losing him would hurt more than the cheating.

One night he went out with a mate and left his phone at home. I don't know if it was deliberate so I couldn't contact him or whether it was an accident but either way I took the opportunity to read the messages. Sure enough there was a message from a girl that came thru after he left, so he hadn't responded. I considered answering it and asking who she was but once again didn't. Another night he was in bed asleep and his phone buzzed, so I checked it in case it was something important. Once again it was a girl, she was explaining that she couldn't see him Wednesday night because she had swimming so maybe they could catch up another time. I went back to bed and didn't sleep much that night. These sorts of things went on for the rest of our "relationship". The ultimate was him going away on holiday with his mate, yes I know that in itself was an alarm bell. He arrived back after 2 weeks away, late because he had supposedly had a flat tyre at the airport. He walked thru the door and there was something about the look on his face that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Again I said nothing as he seemed genuinely happy to see me.

Fast forward a little bit and it was time for all the Xmas breakups. Being a tradie he had a few to go to over the week or so, so I was the dutiful girlfriend that dropped him off and picked him up. After 1 particular party we were driving home, he was extremely drunk but still awake. We were just chatting about nothing in particular and his phone went off. Being it was so late I asked who it was, of course he said it was one of the guys from the party. I took his word and we drove home where he fell into bed and that was it. The following day we were out somewhere and he went in to pay for petrol, I remembered about his phone from the night before and decided to check it. Yep sure enough, he had been calling a chick in the late hours before I had picked him up. I finally called him on it and he said they, yes "they" had called him. Which then led to a whole 'Well who are they?". Turns out it was girls he had met on that holiday but they were "just friends".

The more I write this the more I am now hating myself as I realise that whilst he was doing the wrong thing, I was the stupid idiot allowing it.

Eventually we broke up and he moved on very fast. I was gutted for a long time and put all the blame on myself. We were friends for a little while after that, but then things went badly and all ties were cut. I was left with unanswered questions and an extremely low self esteem.

I met a girl thru work a little while after this and sure enough she knew him, it was never discussed how well she knew him because I didn't want to hear and I think maybe she realised that she had been with a guy that was not single.

So basically yes I knew he had done the dirty but I was in denial for years afterwards and never quite got over him or the situation.

Fast forward a few years and I accidently stumbled across him on good old Facebook. I couldn't decide whether to message him or not, of course I did though. We caught up in real life and have been friends ever since.

Anybody that knows me, knows I like honesty. Whether that be me being brutally honest and possibly over the line to wanting the other person to be honest with me. So in saying that, we were chatting via iMessage earlier when we had managed to steer the conversation around to some pretty personal and heavy stuff. I took this opportunity to ask him if I could ask him the 2 questions I'd wanted to for many years and if I asked would he be honest with me? He agreed to answer and be honest. I stewed over which question to ask first and decided it was going to be why do you cheat? It was the easier question of the 2. I must have typed it 6 times and deleted instead of sending it. It was very confronting just seeing it written there. Eventually I just typed and sent it without stopping. I hadn't actually asked in relation to me, I just ask in general. He answered and I followed with another question that basically confirmed he'd done it to me to which I responded something about it not just being in my head? And that's where the above iMessage appeared.

There it was confirmed, "it's not in your head". I stared at my iPad and the tears started streaming. Why had something that deep down I'd always known, hurt me after all these years? I don't know. My reaction surprised myself as I would normally be the type to throw the closest item or scream but instead I just sat down and cried. I cried most of the night. I'm crying now as I write this. I may well cry tomorrow. But I have an answer finally. Will we continue on to be friends? I hope so. Will I forgive him? Never. Can I move on? Eventually. But for now I will cry and I will push the thoughts out of my head and try not to totally blame myself.

I do have the second question to ask, the one I thought would be the harder to ask but for now I don't need or want anymore truths revealed in the near future......

 

The right words.

Sometimes you can't find the right words, but fortunately somebody else has....

 

I could share hundreds of these, but these three spoke the most......

 

Regrets, I've had a few......

 

I stumbled across this photo whilst trying to do my shopping list online. Yes I don't know how I managed to go from pricing fresh spinach to stumbling across quotes. Especially when I have been on a self imposed social media ban. Besides tinkering around my blog and posting a photo on Instagram I've managed to stay away for the better part of a week. Ok, I may have snuck onto twitter for a short while the other night. (Shhh)

Back to this photo....... The last few weeks have been a roller coaster ride from serious family illnesses to a good friend visiting from overseas (then leaving), throw in some shocking news and top it off with numerous trips to Spotlight (Xmas decos) and you could say it has been an exhausting month! So much so that I even started drinking coffee again.

We are all time poor these days but nobody's time is more important than another persons. They say time is money. If this saying is true I'd be interested to know what the going rate an hour is for wasting 90 minutes watching The Hangover II. That's certainly some time I regret giving!

I've heard you should live your life without regret but if you read the above photo then unfortunately I have a few regrets. From watching crap movies to working for an arsehole boss or two. I've slept away a few Sundays after a big night out but I don't regret those, I've even whiled away a few hours playing tennis on the Wii, yet I don't regret those either. Oh and on a side note, I've spent more than enough time looking at Bitstrips! Enough already people! What I do regret is all the hours spent stewing over, thinking about, stressing over a particular person. These hours over the years could easily add up to months and if I knew that going rate I'm sure I'd be owed a crapload of money for my time. To make time for a person is never a problem if you genuinely enjoy spending it with them but the "after hours" spent dissecting things that were said and discussed is when the regret for time lost can creep in. Replaying conversations in your head and wondering "what did they mean by that?" or thinking "how dare they say that". I wish I was one of those people that could let things go, but I can't. I may pretend that all is forgiven and forgotten but inside it is bubbling back to the surface every chance it can. Usually it's at night when in bed trying to get to sleep. I can't count the hours I've spent at night thinking about things. More valuable hours wasted that to a person who more than loves her sleep can be quite frustrating. I have now got back into walking, for no other reason than some exercise and even though I have music playing in my ears I am now spending this quality time thinking out things. It's amazing how much can run thru your head in a 30 min walk. Sometimes I'm so deep in thought that I don't realise I'm walking back up my driveway and the walk is over. Depending on what thoughts are in my head can make a difference to my walk. If I'm frustrated or pissed off, I tend to walk faster and harder whereas when I'm just daydreaming or having creative thoughts I still walk pretty fast but I'm easier on myself.

So instead now of thinking that I'm wasting time dissecting/thinking/stressing, I can now say I'm using that valuable time on myself by getting some exercise and the thinking is just a side job!

Having seen this photo has made me look at some things differently now. My time is just as important as yours, I do not mind at all giving it to you, but please do me the courtesy of not regretting I did.

 

 

The less they speak, the more they say

Do you know somebody so well that when they don't say something you still know what's going on? Past experience leads your gut to believe that what happened back then is happening again. In my personal experience this is how it works with certain people.

Silence = They know I know, but they don't want to acknowledge that.

Answering only certain questions = avoiding the ones that will get them into trouble

Disappearing = Up to old tricks again

If somebody is going thru something fairly major does that still give them the right to lie to you? Especially when it doesn't effect their situation but certainly does yours? In saying that, do I have the right to call them out on it when I know what they're going thru?

I've known this person a long time, I've seen them in different stages of their life and this stage is technically the lowest they have ever been. I know only too well how they feel as I have been in a similar situation. However I'm finding it hard to believe just how low they really are. On one hand I have huge sympathy for them and have reached out numerous times but on the other hand I know I am being kept just off to the side in case other "opportunities" or "situations" don't work out. Or worse still, I will just be ignored til I give up trying.

The friend in me says stick around because if they do hit rock bottom, I want to be there for them. The realist in me says step away as you know how this will end, again!

Being in different states or country means mainly conversing via iMessage and Skype. So sometimes it's hard to know what is actually going on but I've learned to trust my gut, especially with certain people. I honestly think they are using their situation to manipulate myself and others but I can't say anything. This person isn't a mean person , however they have trouble telling the truth if it means them missing out or being caught out.

One side of me is saying step away before you're kicked to the curb (again) but the other side is superglued to this person and just can't let go. Sometimes I would probably bounce my problems off this person but this time I can't. Not being able to discuss this with anybody has been challenging and not being able to switch off my brain has made for little sleep. Which in turn has then had me reaching out to this person but then it starts the whole cycle again.

I've always said never assume things but if somebody is only giving you half the information then do you try and read between the lines and possibly assume things or do you let it be and hope they eventually fill in the gaps? Plus if you're being fed information from elsewhere, do you believe that or do you once again "assume" that that person has it wrong and try to ignore this so called info?

I've become a master at blocking out certain things, ask me about my childhood and there isn't much to tell cause I simply don't remember it. Ask me about certain conversations I've had with this person over the past 15 years and I can almost repeat them verbatim. This is a double edged sword as I'm able to remember things when needed, the downside being I can remember things when I wish I couldn't. Thus making the lies easy to spot. Do I point them out? No. It's a lot harder to point these out when not standing in the same room and you're relying on that iMessage to read as sarcasm but more than likely will be missed. I hate that I sometimes speak before I think, but in saying that it's always the truth I'm saying. I'd rather be told the truth than bullshitted to. Nobody deserves to be messed around, no matter what the circumstances. In this day and age with technology etc. it is so much easier to find out things, whether searching for it or stumbling across it. With social media the world has become a very small place, how many of us are now linked by that one "mutual friend" on FB?

I am now questioning what actually is a friend? When you know somebody pretty well and have known them a long time,to have them make you feel like you have done something wrong by just trying to be there for them hurts. Yes they may need their space but somewhere along the way they will need their friends again. If you didn't make that cut as a friend, then who did? This now has me thinking, were we ever friends? It's extremely hard to turn off feelings, so you try and bury them but it doesn't take much to have them back just simmering under the surface and to get hurt again.

So on this late night/early morning my dilemma continues and tomorrow/later today will be another day of my mind working in overdrive wondering if this will be the day I can break the cycle and break thru to this person.

Or will it be another day of one sided conversations.

 

Try to Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,

And ignite your bones,

And I will try to fix you,

High up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

As most will know I am definitely not able to take credit for these words. They are however written by Coldplay and the song is titled "Try to fix you".

People get different things from different songs. I for one get a headache listening to Justin Beiber, whereas millions of others would strongly disagree. However the first four lines of this amazing song ring extremely true to me. I love this song to bits but when I hear it, I relate it to one situation that honestly should have me hating this song. That first verse is a painful reminder that is still a part of my life as it has never been completely closed. It is still a small part of my life but really shouldn't be.

Have you ever had what you thought was the perfect situation but it's all gone wrong and whilst you should turn around and walk away, you haven't? To love and hate something at the same time is a complete and utter mind fuck (sorry for swearing but it's the only way to describe it). You want to hate it and walk away but it manages to tempt you back.

"When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth"

This part has me thinking, if it doesn't work out mainly to the other person's actions does that mean you're worth nothing? Yes people would say it's the other person that is worth nothing not you. My question is why did they do it? Did they think that lowly of you that you didn't matter to begin with?

My iPad being on shuffle went from Coldplay to P!nk's "So What". It's well known this was written about her estranged husband at the time, he even appears in the film clip. However when it was written, she was clearly pissed off with him. This is my ultimate favourite song of hers and hits the top of the iTunes list as most played. First reason being IT'S P!NK!! Second reason being I also relate to this song. Yes secretly I'm a rockstar and I've got my rock moves but more so the section that she sings this

And I don't need you,

And guess what,

I'm having more fun,

And now that we’re done,

I'm gonna show you tonight,

I'm alright,

I'm just fine,

And you're a tool,

So, so what,

I am a rock star,

I got my rock moves,

And I don't want you tonight.

"You're a tool" is sung with gusto to the point that when performed live she raises a middle finger in the air at him. Oh how I used to want the opportunity to sing this and raise my finger in the air whilst telling a certain somebody they're a tool. It is a small gesture but it would feel great.

You weren't there,

You never were,

You want it all,

But that's not fair,

I gave you life,

I gave my all,

You weren't there,

You let me fall.

Looking back on things this part of the song sums everything up about the situation. Clearly sometimes you were obviously a means to an end and it became a situation that was more of convenience than anything else.

I was chatting with a good friend the other night about this and many of lifes other ups and downs. More than once he has asked me to move to California to "start a fresh" but somehow I don't think distance will make a difference. Your thoughts go where you go and I myself have never been able to turn them off. He also suggested Yoga but that's another story!

Today's blog was intended to be a release of some sort, they say if you write things down it helps. I didn't quite go where I wanted to go, out of fear of releasing too much thus then having to explain things or be judged. I have enough people in my life judging etc that I don't respond to, I'm not sure I'm ready for the internet to also judge. I honestly can see why so many American's have therapists. Sometimes you just want to have a chat about things in a secure enviroment without the fear of being judged or worse that it will get repeated elsewhere. This post has kind of no exact point but has a theme I guess. Maybe I should have called it Dear Diary? I hadn't written here for quite sometime, mainly due to lack of inspiration but also not wanting to share things.

Which brings me to my final song. Adele's "Someone like you". Do you really think she wishes nothing but the best for him? And why would she want to find someone like him, when it didn't work out in the first place? Yes I am a thinker, with possibly too much time on my hands but come on........

 

Bad habits and addictions.....

Is it too presumptuous to think that we all have a bad habit and or an addiction of our own?

I have 1 of each that come straight to my mind. My addiction is Lindt chocolate, whether it be With a touch of Sea Salt (it really is amazing) or even just a simple Lindt Ball. Both are delicious and totally addictive. In fact if somebody could possibly deliver some now, I'd really be grateful!!

My bad habit can possibly go under the heading of addiction also but saying it's a bad habit means maybe I can kick it a bit easier? (see previous blog about denial) My bad habit is holding onto the past. It's really only 1 particular piece of the past and for quite a bit of time, I managed to not think about it too often. The problem I had, was others reminded me of this bit of the "past". For some reason they felt I needed to know the latest information about the "past". This subsequently ended by me cutting off this link to the "past".

Life moved on, things were going pretty well, I decided to make a major life change. Funny how this one life change can effect another area of your life. Yes, the "past" somehow ended up back in my present. The "past" had made 2 major life changes, the first being the reason why it was now the "past" and the 2nd being why it was now back in the present.

They say old habits die hard, well that was not true in this case. It would seem this old habit didn't die at all, it was just hiding waiting for the right moment to reappear. I guess I had the choice to let it back in or refuse it. I chose the 1st because it felt familiar and easy and I had always had trouble saying no to it. People that know me, would know that I can be a hard arse. I have no problem saying no to most things, I even manage to say it to Manolo (my dog) a couple of times a day. (Although he gets yes a lot more than he should, but that is a whole other blog) So to be unable to say no and mean it in this particular situation, is quite confusing. I know what the outcome will be from saying it, I know I will not be happy about it yet I say yes. Maybe in that sense, it is an addiction, I love the rush I get from saying yes but the feeling afterwards is always a mighty big low. Which in turn has me reaching for the first addiction being Lindt! I know the"past" would have no problem if I said no, cause life would just carry on perfectly in the present. The "past" seems to think that it can still tell you what you want to hear and that you will believe it. The "past" also forgets how well you can read them. I choose to let a lot slip as I know it's not true and I choose to store the information for a rainy day. Well I just checked the weather forecast, time to batten down the hatches as a shit storm is coming! The "past" will need more than an umbrella and raincoat to beat this rain. I gave some advice to the "past" a few weeks ago, we were having a chat about one of the life changes the "past" had made. I got the feeling, this change was being second guessed. I now realise that it was portrayed that way to get a reaction from me. Which at the time, even though I second guess it, I gave that reaction. This was an example of me being told what I probably wanted to hear. Only this time the "past" had it right, I DID actually want to hear that. The problem is, although I wanted to hear it, as soon as I heard it, I knew it wasn't true. I had to refrain from calling out this lie, as I would of had to then explain how I knew the truth. Things would have got messy and would probably have then gone back to being a permanent "past" again. This may not have been a completely bad thing because if it was again a "past" then maybe I could go back to living in the present. But like all bad addictions, the thought of going clean is tempting but the thought of 1 more rush is more enticing. Maybe this time it will be the 1 that changes everything?

The "past" and I aren't friends on FB or Twitter or anything, but I have considered more than once to send a link to my FB page for this blog. I figure as soon as it was read, the past would know it was about them and would then have to decide how to deal with it. I also considered not emailing the link as the past would know it was about them and would then decide how to deal with it! I know what the outcome would be, because the past for them is easy to erase as if it doesn't exist.

They say the past always catches up with you, well my "past" has but maybe it's time the past caught up with the "past"?

Now where are we on that delivery of Lindt?............

Internet, Denial and Snooping......

For those of you old enough to remember it, what was life like before the Internet? Now I'm not talking downloading music, movies and watching Porn for free. I'm talking about when you broke up with somebody and had to do drive bys of their house, so as you could come up with your own conclusions as to what they are doing now. Do people still do that? Or do they stalk the persons Facebook, Twitter etc to see where they may be and who they are with?

 

Sometimes not knowing things is better than knowing the truth. Or sometimes, knowing something but then actually seeing it for real (via Fb) can be a reality check harder than the one Lindsay Lohan gets after a stint in rehab/Jail.

 

Denial is a place I have always been happy to live in, at the end of the day I know that it actually happened but I'm a great person at just pretending it didn't. Move on, look strong. Unfortunately, I get the occasional urge to look somebody up on Fb (we've all done it). With all the changes lately to Fb, a lot of people don't realise that their pages are now completely open and that you can see everything. I love looking at photo's. Whether they are of people I know or not. I am a people watcher. No, not in a creepy way either! I like to observe people and see how although we are all humans, we all live different lives. This in turn has me looking up an ex (or 2), I am always interested to see who they ended up with and whether they had kids etc. If you still have friends in common then more than likely you know this stuff anyway. If one or both of you moved away, then it was a lot easier to lose track and not be in touch. Sometimes that is for the best, I mean you broke up for a reason. Other times, you broke up for no particular reasons, but it ended in a way that although you both moved on, it never actually quite closed that chapter. You stay in touch on and off over the years, but now with email, Fb, Twitter etc it is made so much easier to find people as well as keep in touch with them.

 

Which brings me back to the old thing that ignorance is bliss. Whilst you are friendly with this person, there are still certain things you don't discuss because as stated earlier you like to live in denial. So by not asking certain questions you can easily ignore the truth as it isn't quite a reality. That is until you happen across their Fb page and see the certain things that you kind of knew, but are now faced with acknowledging. It is very hard to just close the page and not look further. Temptation has always been a challenge for me. To the point where Xmas presents were disguised when wrapped so as I didn't try and work out what they were weeks before being able to open them. When it comes to big things, I have self control. I mean if I know it's illegal or something that will harm somebody then I have no problem saying no. Looking at somebody's photos etc on Fb that I'm not friends with, comes some where in the middle. Whilst it is not illegal, it does hurt somebody, that person being me. To hear something is hard, to see it in all it's glory in lots of photos, OUCH!! Yet, I still couldn't bring myself to close the page. I wanted to see more, glutton for punishment or just plain stupid? (no need to answer)

 

I love my Internet, I mean how a girl kept track of her future husband on the other side of the world in the days before Internet is beyond me. But sometimes, I realise that life was SO MUCH SIMPLER before Internet, or even text messages. Coming home after work to a message on your answering machine from the guy you were seeing was always a nice surprise. These days, we are in constant contact that we have come to expect them to always be in touch. Do we know too much or even share too much? If you wrote somebody a letter with all the things you post on FB, Twitter and Instagram do you really think they would care that you just had a slow drive to work or that you liked a strangers photos of food on Instagram? In a nutshell, you may well come across as some sort of nutter. Where as because there is now a platform where it is sociably acceptable to write all this, we do it! We not only do it, but we read others also.

 

There was no real point to this blog, which is why it has gone off on a tangent or two. Writing a blog about how much we share on the Internet has not lost it's irony on me either. This was more so a diary entry that I needed to get out but not actually discuss with anybody (see previous comment about denial) It's funny how writing something down for strangers to read, is easier than telling an actual family member or friend. I am the queen though, of writing just enough to show how I feel or what I'm thinking without giving the actual story away. I may write on a public forum, but I still like my privacy. There may well be a sequel to this blog, but for now, it is what it is. An observation with a few personal experiences thrown in......

Clooney....

As rumours circulate (once again) that George Clooney is going to be single yet again, I started thinking about when my love (ok obsession) with Mr George Timothy Clooney began. To be honest, I don't remember a time when I didn't have some sort of a crush on him.

 

When i was a young teenager, one of my favourite tv shows was The Facts of Life. It was basically a show about 4 girls at boarding school. Somewhere in the later seasons, a young guy playing the part of a carpenter appeared. This was my first glimpse of the gorgeous (albeit mulleted) George Clooney.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I realise he is sporting the most hideous of shirts as well as that hair style. But once he grinned that cheeky grin and those dark brown eyes squinted the first time, I was gone!

Of course this was way before Internet etc so getting information on this man was not so easy. All I knew was, he was the good looking guy from that show.

 

 

Before I knew it, he popped up on another show I liked and that was Roseanne. Once again it was still the 80's but as George has proved over the years, he was improving with age.

 

 

The mullet was slowly going and at least he dressed a bit better!

 

Of course, George's "breakout" role was as Dr. Doug Ross on ER. This where "my George" was bought to the attention of a lot of women.

 

 

Can a doctor see me now..........

 

 

Yes I felt this needed 2 photos!

 

The Caesar cut was a long way from the previous 80's mullets and the sexy grey hairs had started appearing. If I wasn't smitten before, I was totally in love with him now. It wasn't just a looks thing though, this man had a cheeky smile and was fast getting a reputation as a bit of a jokester on set. Nobody ever had bad things to say about working with him on set, which was refreshing in a time when there were people like Val Kilmer and Nicholas Cage who weren't as nice. (You may want to google those 2 actors, as they aren't exactly pumping out the movies now)

 

 

George went on to make some great (and not so great movies) following ER.

 

He played a bad guy with an amazing neck tattoo in From Dusk til Dawn

 

 

 

 

He made a sexy batman in a not so great movie Batman & Robin

 

 

Those eyes under the mask and the voice....swoon!

 

 

He made out with Jennifer Lopez in the boot of a car in Out of Sight to being a member of a 3 piece chain gang on the run in O Brother, Where Art Thou?

 











 

Dirty, yet still sexy!! Not to mention hilarious in this movie.

 

In 2001 a movie came out that I was itching to see, it was none other than Ocean's 11. From the moment George walked onto the screen I don't think a word was uttered from my mouth. Clooney looking suave in a suit but being a cheeky bad guy at the same time. I was in heaven! Apparently a couple of other "heart throbs' were in the movie also, but can't say I took much notice.

 

 

I'd rob a bank with this man....

 

 

This is the 1 and only convicted felon I'd marry.

 

I drew the line at only posting 2 photos from the Ocean's franchise, otherwise had I kept going you probably would have used all your GB's allowed for the month just opening this page!

 

Now George went on to make some amazing movies, he both acted as well as directed and produced some fantastic movies. He has even been nominated for several Oscars and other awards. Not to mention he won quite a few also, including an Academy award for Syriana. Seeing him up there on the stage accepting awards, is always nice. As he is always so humble and down to earth and not above poking fun at himself. As i mentioned earlier, George has a reputation for being a prankster and has a great sense of humour as seen in quite a few of his movies. This was shown in a movie that came out early this year called The Descendants. George showed both his comedic side as well as his dramatic side, playing a dad to 2 girls, was also great to watch. This movie really showed George's acting capabilities.

 

 

 

Oh, and he played an older surfer type which sealed the deal for me!

 

I'm not going to lie, my initial attraction to George was his looks, but over the years he has shown to be an amazing human being. He was the person responsible for organising the Hope for Haiti Now telethon that raised millions of dollars for the victims of the Haiti earthquake in 2010. If you google George Clooney Charity's you will see the list of amazing things he has done over the years. Most of the time, he does it under the radar, trying not to attract attention to him but to the plight of the organisation/people needing the help. He even recently auctioned off his prized 2008 Tesla “Signature 100” Roadster which only had 1700 miles on it.

This man is not only gorgeous, funny and a great actor, he is extremely kind and thinks of others.

Really, what more could you want in a man? Yes, he has stated on more than one occasion that he is not interested in getting married again or having kids, this is something I'm willing to look past. After all he does love animals and I just know Manolo and I could be very happy living in Italy with him and his pets.

 

 

He also once owned a pot belly pig but it passed a way a few years ago.

 

So as you can see, my love for George is for both his mind AND his body. George Clooney is an all round nice guy, who needs to dump the younger ladies who no doubt think they can change his mind and get a ring on it. Give me a call George, I am more than willing to just follow you around the world, or stay at home in your villa in Italy and cook dinner for you. My number is 0424.....

 







I Wanna Dance With Somebody

Today I have been sitting at my laptop typing a long overdue email. It was a bit quiet so I opened iTunes up to have on in the background. An hour later and I have barely typed a word in the email but have taken a nice trip down memory lane.

My music taste is quite eclectic. Depending on mood etc I can have anything from Metallica to Madonna through to Michael Buble playing. My music collection is quite large. I even still have a lot of vinyl. I grew up with my mum who absolutely loves her music and has a bigger collection to me in both Cd's and vinyl and a dad who worked in radio for a long time. Dad and I would have great chats about old and new music. I loved hearing his stories and bits of trivia about different songs and singers. Music has always been a big part of my life and always will be.

The first song that played on iTunes was Whitney Houston's song "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" As soon as it started I remembered sitting in Textiles class in grade 8 (i think) listening to this song on cassette. We were allowed to have a tape deck on whilst we worked. Us girls were dancing and miming in between sewing something on the sewing machines. As teenage girls, I have no doubt that we had a certain boy in our mind when we were singing these songs, whoever the latest crush at school happened to be and we were convinced it was written about him.

Next song that came on was Young Mc's "Bust a Move". This had me thinking of how in the mid 90's we would go to the Edgy Pub in Mentone (Melbourne) every Wed's night. This song always came on at least twice a night as it would always get the dance floor pumping. We would always take great pride in singing it at the top of our voices as we had made a point of learning all the lyrics and dance moves. It always felt like a party when that song played.

This was followed up with P!nks "So What" Now people who know me, know I have a never ending love affair with P!nk. Granted it's a one sided affair but hey the girl speaks my language. This song though is still my ultimate favourite song from her. You see she wrote it about her husband with whom she had separated from at the time. They had a great relationship still though, as he appears in the film clip to it. The first time I saw the clip I was surprised to see Carey (her hubby) in it. She calls him a tool and generally rants and raves at him before he then gives her the most loving hug. This makes me think of a certain ex everytime I see it and or hear it. The song had always sung to me about him but once i saw the clip, I imagined me singing it to him. I know I called him a tool (and probably a lot worse) and yet he would still be caring enough to give me a big hug and a kiss on the forehead whilst we were going through the hardest break up I have ever had. So whilst this song is empowering and great to sing along to, I still get the urge to "sing" it in my head to him. I am not a great singer at all but I had a great time singing this anthem at Karaoke at the Iron Bar in Port Douglas a few years ago.

Another song that came up on iTunes was Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" this took me back to being 11 or 12. Mum used to have a few friends around on a Sat night sometimes and the records would get played. There were a few of us kids who'd be in and out of the lounge room. Were were all around similar ages. This one night we all sat out in the hallway listening as the adults were playing this song over and over AND OVER!!! I shit you not it was on repeat for a good hour!! Now my mum and her friends weren't hippies or anything like that, so no they weren't pulling bongs whilst listening to this song. What they were actually doing was trying to work out what some of the lyrics were. You see in case you aren't familiar with the song (Shame on you!!) this song contains lyrics such as: If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now, It's just a spring clean for the May Queen.
As a child I never really knew the lyrics of this particular song, nor did I want to hear it again in my lifetime as I had heard it at least 100 times in my short lifetime. Yet these days I love the song because A: It is a great song to just rock out to but more importantly it B: reminds me of my mum laughing and having fun with her friends.

Four different songs and four different journeys they took me on in the time it took to listen to them. A song can bring a smile to your face, it can put a tear in your eye. Everybody has different reasons for liking a certain song. While somebody may not like or appreciate the music you like, they have their own likes that in turn have a whole different meaning to them.

Except for Nickelback, I'm sorry but I can't bring myself to appreciate nor understand the appeal!

Why shoes?

I was asked (again) the other day by a guy, "Why do you love shoes so much?"

It is a question I have been asked a lot and normally by men. The answer is simple.........

They make me fall in love over and over.

I love nothing better than a pre-season preview of upcoming styles that will be available for the season. Seeing the colours, styles, heels, fabrics, embellishments make me smile instantly. Clothes have a similar effect but shoes just take it to a whole new level. A shoe makes your outfit feel complete. When I put on a pair of heels, I'm ready to take on the world. (well maybe not the world, but a good night out)

Don't get me wrong, I so love a good pair of Converse and don't get me started on Havaianas as they are my go to when I really don't want to wear shoes but have to.

Over the years I have had some amazing pairs of shoes. They have been beautiful to look at and possibly painful to wear. Yet the pain is nothing when another girl comes up and comments on your shoes. You see girls aren't always so forthcoming with the compliments, especially if it's a stranger.
I have bonded with girls in nightclub toilets over shoes. Ok maybe alcohol was involved as well but it was the shoes that introduced us.

I remember as a kid, being allowed to dress up in mum's clothes. Mum always had the latest fashions, but walking around in her shoes was more fun. Put on those heels and you immediately felt grown up. I would dream about where I would wear them when I was older.

Shoes are less discriminating than clothes. Unlike the latest clothing fashion, the latest shoes have better chance of always fitting your feet and looking good. And unlike clothing, there are certain shoes that a lady of my age can wear that a 19yo can't quite carry off. Whilst they may look good in them, they just don't have the wordly confidence to "wear" them the way they deserved to be.

A while ago there was a discussion on Fifi & Jules about whether wearing leopard print was trashy. If my memory serves me, I remember Fifi responding that she in fact was wearing leopard print shoes that day. Whilst the boys thought leopard print makes woman look cheap. 20 years ago, if I had of worn leopard print, I may well have agreed with the boys, but now I love a pair of leopard print shoes with a black outfit. Those shoes have made a possibly boring outfit, just a bit more exciting.

The shoes make the outfit!

Imagine a gorgeous bride wearing a stunning Vera Wang and then peaking out from underneath were a pair of plain boring black t-bars. Most people would be thinking, why is she wearing them? It has ruined the whole look.
How many times in the 90's were we not allowed into nightclubs because 1 of our group wasn't wearing the right shoes? I remember when Blundstone were the in thing to wear (i kid you not) and we would go to the nightclub in our 501's, Chambray shirts with our Blundstones on. Sometimes you would be allowed in, other times you were not. Everybody was wearing them and whilst they were deemed as fashion at the time, they still weren't classy enough for some clubs. They were a godsend to wear on a big night though, dance all night and never have sore feet.

When I was a young teenager, I had bought a pair of red desert boots. I was so eager to show them off, that I deliberately wore them to netball training instead of my runners. That made for the longest 90 mins of my life but I loved the compliments I received. Of course Netball is a winter sport, we trained at night and suede doesn't hold up so well in the rain but hey I looked good and it only took a few washes to get the red out of my white socks.

Shoes invoke memories for me, like smells, food and music does for others. So if it means I have to buy more shoes to create more memories, then point me in the direction of the latest heels and I'm on my way!

When I grow up..........

What do you want to be when you grow up?

This was a question you got asked as a young child. As you grew up, this changed to "What do you want to do when you leave school?" It went from being a dream to oh crap I need to think about the rest of my adult working life. This as a teenager can be a daunting thought. Some kids always knew they wanted to be doctors, teachers or maybe even join the circus. I myself didn't dream too much about it when I was really young but looking back I realised that the signs were there.

You see, when I was in high school I started giving it some thought. I realised I loved art, painting, sewing etc. As a young girl I had always loved drawing dresses and making clothes for my barbie dolls.

So when it came around to doing work experience in grade 10 and we had to list 3 jobs we were interested in pursuing, I decided to test the career teacher. I listed the following three jobs:

1. Music producer

2. Work at a cool magazine

3. Fashion Designer

A couple of weeks later we found out where we were working, I was expecting a job somewhere close to home and it would involve pouring coffee. Nope, I was off to work at The Australian Ballet in the wardrobe dept for 2 weeks. Oh shit, now I have to show I'm serious!

So off I set on the train, eventually made it to Flemington after turning up at the Melb Arts Centre. My first task for the day was to iron 100 pirate shirts. JOY!! Needless to say, by the end of the first day I was over ironing and also second guessing this "experience".

For the rest of the 2 weeks, I spent it working side by side with the amazing headdress team where I not only helped them but also made a headdress that would be used in one of the productions. I also watched a "fabulous" man make a 3 piece suit from scratch. I was totally inspired!

I then spent the next year making clothes all by hand. In grade 11 I even helped a classmate make her deb dress. (Mine was bought, as I ran out of time!) I used to love wandering around fabric stores, just feeling the fabrics and dreaming what could be made from then.

The following year when work experience came around again, I knew I wanted something creative again. The problem was, we had to find our own workplace. Somehow I decided to give floristry a try. I worked for 2 weeks with a local business, they were busy enough to have lots of work but not so busy that they didn't take the time to show me things. I really enjoyed it. I loved working with my hands and being creative. So when the opportunity came to start actually working full time for them at the end of year 11, I jumped at the chance. Unfortunately it didn't work out, as they were florists who enjoyed other types of green plants at lunchtime. So my floristry career was short lived.

I was never able to get another position with a florist, so I had to take a new direction. Let's see a girl who loves clothes what can she do? I know, RETAIL!!! As a 17 yo it seems like fun, as an adult it is just a job that pays the bills.

Fast forward 20 something years and I'm now asking myself.....what do I want to do for the rest of my life? Hmmmm, I wonder whether that careers teacher is still around?

A Substitute for Something Else or Girls Best Friend?

Just so you know, this won't be a blog about shoes. Although there will be a mention or two of Manolo!

Last night whilst watching a tv show, a lady made a comment that her dog was her other child. This comment was met with strange looks from one guy as he felt that anybody who thought of a dog as a child, needed to seek help from a doctor.

Clearly this man has never had a pet.

Quite a few years ago, I found out I probably couldn't have children. Now whilst I hadn't considered whether I wanted kids or not, I was a pit pissed that the choice had been taken from me. Even though friends and family had started having kids around me, I still didn't really consider whether it was something for me.

Over the years I had got used to the fact that it wouldn't happen so I never gave it a thought. That was until about 2 years ago, when I kept having the feeling that something was missing.I began to think, was it the old "biological clock ticking'? But I knew it wasn't.

 A co-worker dropped into work one morning and she had brought her puppy with her. I'd always loved dogs, but hadn't thought about having one myself. As soon as I petted this gorgeous little one, I knew what I wanted. And so the hunt began......

In Cairns (and surrounding suburbs) there are 2 pets stores!! 1 was great if you needed supplies or a fish and the other was where all of FNQ frequented every single week to see what new arrivals they had in store. So I took to the saturday paper, I would get it at 6am and would have a list to call. I would always wait until 9am before calling, unfortunately nobody else was that considerate as the dogs would all be sold by the time I rang. This went on for just over 2months, I would drive down from Port Douglas every Saturday and hope that I would be coming home with a new addition.

Finally one, particularly hot Saturday, I went into the store, I went straight out where they kept the puppies and had a look. Nothing took my fancy so I walked back inside, as I was walking thru the store I accidently dropped my handbag. There next to my bag was a big cage with a tiny gorgeous puppy in it, I had missed him earlier. I asked to have a look at him and as soon as I picked him up and he licked my chin, I knew it was love!! I named him Manolo.

That was nearly 2 years ago. He is now fully grown (thank goodness!) and is still a ball of excitement. Overall though, he was exactly what I needed. To come home to him, so excited to see you is better than almost anything. Yes I had the whole toilet training, no sleep, teething, sickness, worrying in general but I wouldn't do it any other way. In Feb 2011 we were unlucky enough to have Cyclone Yasi go thru. We spent the night in the shower, in the dark and stinking hot. Manolo slept thru the wind and most noises, he was loving the cool tiles. There was the option of staying in an evacuation centre, but dogs weren't allowed. I knew there was no way I was leaving him behind, so we spent it bunkered down in the house.

To anybody that has ever had a loyal loving pet, you will know that you would move heaven and earth for them. Yes, I treat him like the child I never had but hey why not? He is still a living creature who deserves to be treated well, and if this makes me somebody in need of a doctor, then I better up my health insurance!!

To Manolo.........Happy 2nd Birthday!!!

12 weeks old

Manolo at 2 years old.

To blog or not to blog......

I went to high school in the mid to late 80's (don't do the math, I'm in my early 30's *cough*) When I was there, there were computer classes. These classes consisted of green screen computers with those keyboards that always looked dirty yellow. I can't remember what was taught in those classes but I do know that you must ALWAYS turn your screen off if you are leaving the computer on, otherwise you will burn the image/writing into the screen. We also used to finish the class by putting a plastic cover over the computer. Yep, clearly I took notice in these classes. The truth was, I wasn't interested as I always said I'd never have an office job and so I would have no use for computer knowledge.  Jump ahead 20 something years and the first thing I do is turn on the computer followed by the kettle. 

Which brings me (in a round about way) to my first blog. I am not sure why exactly I want to blog, but I feel inspired to. To be honest I'm not a big blog reader myself, but over the few years I've been on twitter I have come across some amazing bloggers.  @Bern_Morley who writes  So Now What speaks to you in a way that is totally relatable. @annaspargoryan's blog http://blog.annaspargoryan.com/ is so brilliantly written, I'm still deciding whether I should post my first blog at all.

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a paid presentation on bloggers you should read, it's just my way of explaining how I am inspired to put finger to keyboard. I can't promise you Nobel prize winning writing, nor can I promise you tales of foreign travels and living the high life. What I can promise though, is a blog about nothing in particular but always written from the heart. I am the person who says and also asks the questions others may not want to. Ironically I am a private person who keeps her cards close to her chest, so this should make for an interesting ride. I will no doubt refer to my fur child Manolo (as in Blahnik), I can promise a reference or 2 to George Clooney and shoes will feature once in a while. I can also promise spelling mistakes, although I am a great speller I am however an average typist.

And it would seem blogger.com's spell check seems to think the word blog is spelled incorrectly! How does that work?? I must also apologise in advance, I do love me a swear word. Although, can you get in trouble swearing on here? Clearly I have a lot to learn about blogging, to be honest I'm still trying to work out how to make it look prettier!

Ok so I'm about to press publish, this is the most nervous thing I've done since standing next to P!nk in a bar in Port Douglas and trying to look cool, wish me luck!!